Rejecting The ‘Good Guy’
I know what you're thinking: "Why are you letting go of a good guy? You know he's got everything you're looking for. He checks all the boxes!" Trust me, I’ve asked myself the same thing. And yet, time and time again, I find myself walking away from relationships with men who seem so perfect on paper. They’re kind, smart, emotionally available, funny… pretty much everything I could want in a partner. So why do I feel like I’m making a huge mistake every time I decide to cut things off?
The truth is, I’ve gotten really good at rejecting good men—and I’ve never felt more conflicted about it. It’s not that I don’t care about them; in fact, I often find myself thinking, “If I could just feel more... something. If the spark were there, it would be perfect.”
But it’s not there. And that’s the hardest part.
The Problem with Perfect
Let me be clear: I don’t believe in the “perfect” partner. I know relationships require effort, growth, and compromise. But what I do believe in is chemistry. And chemistry, unfortunately, doesn’t always follow the same rules. Sometimes, despite a guy checking off every single box on my list—good job, good family, good manners—there’s just no undeniable thing. No gut feeling that says, “Yes, this is the person I’m supposed to be with.” I once dated a guy who made me laugh, respected my emotions, dressed perfectly, had a secure job and was expressive in his love for me. Yet, I stood staring at him in my kitchen one morning, and felt nothing. I hated myself for not feeling more, but the vacant spot where those butterflies should be was undeniable.
I know what you’re probably thinking. “Maybe you’re overthinking it.” Or, “You can’t just wait around for fireworks all the time, or you’ll miss something good.”
And I hear you. I really do. The rational side of me knows I’m being picky, and I also know that these "good guys" don’t come around every day. The problem is, the more I date, the more I realise I’m not willing to settle for something that doesn’t make my heart skip a beat. It’s not that I want someone who’s perfect—it's that I want someone who sparks something inside of me, someone who challenges me, excites me, and makes me feel alive.
But here’s where the guilt comes in.
The Guilt of Knowing He’s “The One” for Someone Else
What makes it harder is knowing, deep down, that the men I reject would make amazing partners for someone else. It’s not that they’re lacking in any way—quite the opposite. They are often the type of guy who would be the perfect match for someone who has a different kind of connection with them. The type who would be loyal, loving, and everything anyone would need. And I’m the one who’s not feeling it. That thought alone gives me a pang of guilt every time I end things. I’m effectively sending away someone who would be perfect for the right person, and it feels like I’m wasting something good, or worse, hurting someone who deserves more than that.
It's like being handed a beautifully wrapped gift but realising you’re just not in the mood to open it. The present is great—it’s just not for you.
And yet, I can’t bring myself to keep going through the motions. The emotional labor of trying to manufacture that spark feels like it’s a disservice to both of us. It’s not fair to him, and it’s not fair to me either. I think about all the other things I could be investing my time and energy into, and the longer I stay in something that doesn’t feel right, the more it feels like I’m just wasting both of our time.
When the Guilt Meets Reality
I’ve had moments where I tried to ignore that feeling of “something’s missing” because I felt guilty. He’s a good guy. He deserves someone who will appreciate him. I could learn to like him more, right? But then reality sets in, and I realise that no matter how hard I try, I can't force myself to feel something that’s not there. And it’s a hard pill to swallow because it feels like I’m rejecting a really good, decent person just because I don’t feel electrified by him.
But here's the thing: I have to trust myself. I have to remind myself that wanting the kind of love that makes my heart race isn't unreasonable. It doesn’t mean I’m shallow or unrealistic—it just means I’m seeking something more than comfort or companionship. I’m seeking a connection that feels deep and undeniable. The pressure to settle is real, but I also know that if I keep trying to force a square peg into a round hole, I’m doing a disservice to both myself and the man on the other side.
The Hope for Something More
It’s not that I’m against relationships or against good men. Quite the opposite. I believe in love, and I believe that the right person for me is out there. I just can’t settle for someone who doesn’t light me up. The guilt of rejecting a good guy is real, but it’s also part of the process of getting closer to the one who will make everything click. The one who will give me the spark I’ve been searching for. I have to trust that when the right person comes along, the guilt won’t exist. I’ll just know.
In the end, I remind myself that it’s okay to reject someone—even when they seem perfect—if the connection isn’t there. Because when the right person comes along, the spark will be impossible to ignore. And that’s the kind of connection worth waiting for.
So, I’ll keep rejecting the good men who aren’t the right ones, and trust that eventually, someone will come into my life who not only checks all the boxes but also ignites something inside me that I can’t deny. And when that happens, the guilt will fade away.
