Silent War Between Couples & Singles

In your 20s, life often feels like a tug-of-war between two very distinct factions: couples and singles. While they may both seem to share a common stage—living in the same world, experiencing the same social circles—there is an invisible war that simmers beneath the surface. It's a battle that is often unspoken but deeply felt. From social events to group dynamics, the tension between singles and couples creates a unique social ecosystem, one full of subtle struggles and unacknowledged rivalries. This "war" isn't violent, but it’s palpable, and it shapes the experiences of us 20’s girls in so may disguised ways.

The Divide: Coupledom vs. Singlehood

In your early 20s, it seems that the traditional milestones of romantic relationships—dating, falling in love, and committing to a partner—become the primary measures of success and fulfillment. Us women ends to place a lot of emphasis on finding "the one," and friends and family are quick to congratulate you when you get into a relationship. The self destructive narrative around "coupledom" is that it's the final destination, the ultimate goal. Meanwhile, those who remain single are often seen as either waiting for the right person or, at worst, "losers" who haven’t yet figured it out.

Granted, it’s 2024 and being single and free is seen as the new ‘it thing’, yet, despite this growing acceptance of single life, there is still an underlying pressure to pair off.

This is where the subtle war begins: Couples versus Singles.

The Social Pressure Cooker

One of the clearest battlefields for this war is social events. Consider a group gathering, whether it’s a party, a wedding, or a trip abroad.

The Couple’s Corner: Couples tend to form tight-knit groups, often gravitating toward other couples who share similar lifestyles. They talk about their relationships, co-dependence, and future plans—topics that can be difficult for singles to navigate. There’s a sense of exclusivity, and the group dynamic can feel like an insulated bubble where everyone inside is on the same wavelength, leaving singles on the outside. It’s almost as though there its an unspoken hierarchy where one can only reach complete enlightenment when they pair off and find ‘the one’.

The Single’s Struggle: For singles, these events begin to feel like a pressure cooker. Whether you're attending alone or bringing a friend, one is constantly aware of their relationship status. As the night wears on, conversations shifts toward engagements, anniversaries, and "future plans." Those ‘single in their twenties’ girls stand alone, knowing their worth, but wishing someone could see it to. And inevitably, the unspoken implication is that everyone in a relationship has “figured it out,” while singles are left to fend for themselves. This dynamic can also lead to what feels like "pity" from couples toward their single friends, often cloaked in sympathy. She may be single, but she’s not depressed, let’s not get those two twisted.

Jealousy, Not Just Envy

One might think that singles would harbor resentment toward couples. In reality, the dynamic is much more complex. Couples, despite the appearance of stability and happiness, sometimes feel envious of the freedom that singles enjoy.

Couple Jealousy: The couple's world is often one of routine, compromises, and constant adjustments. They may miss the spontaneity that comes with being single—the ability to go wherever one may wish to, do whatever you want, without worrying about a partner’s preferences or obligations. Many twenty something couples might feel trapped by their responsibilities or frustrated by the constant balancing act required to maintain their relationship. While they may express outward support for their single friends, many secretly long for the carefree days when they didn’t have to share their decisions with anyone.

Single Jealousy: On the other hand, singles almost always look at couples with green envy. The stability, the partnership, the idea of having someone to lean on—it’s an appealing notion, especially when navigating life's challenges. Singles feel overlooked or disconnected from the intimacy that couples often share, and at times, they might even fear missing out on something essential, wondering if they’re missing a part of their life’s equation. Such internal wars lead to nothing but confusion; am I good enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I loveable?

Friendships in the Crossfire

The secret war often affects friendships too. As people get into relationships, their priorities naturally shift, and often said shift strains friendships. For couples, their focus can narrow to just each other, and they may unintentionally leave their single friends out of certain experiences, especially those that involve intimate or couple-specific activities. It’s appreciated that friends shouldn’t be reliant on one other 24/7, but conversely, one must feel a sense of loyalty and love from a friend. Otherwise, why would you fight so hard to keep them around?

Singles, on the other hand, might feel resentment if their coupled friends abandon them for date nights, weekend getaways, or double dates. It can feel like a betrayal when someone you've shared countless hours with suddenly becomes unavailable, and the friendship seems to fade into the background. One begins to ask themselves, if all those late night drives meant anything to them? What about those deep talks on the bathroom floor? Or even those joy filled moments where your laughing so hard your stomach hurts? All in a day, those singleton’s say.

While all that may be true, there’s the dreaded assumption on singles to forever be the “third wheel,” or worse, the "single friend" who awkwardly tries to fit into a situation designed for couples. For singles who enjoy their independence but still want to nurture deep friendships, it’s a tricky balance to maintain. They may find themselves in a strange limbo, no longer quite part of the couple's world but not fully part of the solo world either. It’s said to be like no-mans-land out there.

The Real War: Societal Expectations

What’s perhaps most intriguing about the "secret war" is that it’s not just a battle between individuals—it’s a societal battle. Reach your twenties, find your partner, settle down and fall in… love. I’m sure the Suffragettes would be proud.

Although, for the mighty women who refuse such a presumption, many 20 something singleton’s find pride and meaning in spending their 20s focusing on career, personal growth, or friendships. Others will intentionally choose singlehood for a while, deciding that their identity doesn’t need to be tied to a partner, quite rightly if I do say so myself. There’s a growing movement that celebrates the idea that being single in your 20s doesn’t mean you’ve failed at life; it’s simply a chapter, not the whole bloody book.

Ladies, follow your dreams, not your boyfriends.

The End of the War?

Ultimately, this "secret war" is more of an internal conflict than an external one. The boundaries between single and coupled life aren’t always clear, and they change constantly. As you progress through your 20s, the pressure to conform to certain ideals will shift, and the desire to fit in will likely ebb.

Let’s face it, singles have autonomy, spontaneity, and independence, while couples benefit from companionship, mutual support, and shared experiences. Rather than seeing these two worlds as opposing forces, perhaps the key is to recognise that each has its own time and place in our lives.

In the end, the war isn’t about winning or losing—it’s about embracing your own path, regardless of where others are on theirs. As long as you stay true to your values and goals, you'll find peace in your 20s, no matter what side of the battle you’re on.